Funny Stories - The Dole Mites Trip To Asda

The trip to Asda - I hate shopping, but sometimes needs must, especially when your running dangerously low on beer and fags. It's a case of get in, get out, get the job done. I only went for the aforementioned items, oh, and some crisps, can't forget the crisps.

Walking round I saw some proper reprobates, a massively obese woman with a stomach like an inflatable air balloon in one of those motorized buggies with the trolley on the front, thinking she has right of passage wherever she goes. I'm walking down the chicken isle, I like chicken it's my favourite food, especially the southern fried variety, they have stopped doing the southern fried crispy chicken strips at Asda, I used to buy those in bulk, they were fantastic.

Anyway back to the chicken isle, this rather large lady is coming at me in her little brum brum. I'm thinking you can get f****d if you think i'm moving, i'm on a beer and fags run. Needless to say I bottled it and dived out the way at the last second before I got flattened by a two and a half ton motorized, fat weilding, wrecking machine.

After my close encounter with certain death, I decided enough ogling the chicken, lets get the beer in. Two crates of Fosters and a couple of decent bottles of Chardonnay later, oh and the cheese and onion crips, everybody likes cheese and onion, I'm at the checkout.

Which checkout? I hate queuing, so it's one those quick till do it yourself jobs for me, especially when I've only got a few bits. Wrong choice, some old dear in front is pulling bloody pillows and everything out of her trolley, trying to scan them herself, I'm thinking Jesus Christ, get out me way. Back to the staffed quick till for me then.

Bloke in front only purchased a few items, having a leisurely chat with the assistant, it's like hurry the f**k up, people have better things to do than queue up at Asda on a Saturday night. She starts scanning my purchases, the bloke behind is having a whinge saying I've got too many items, the response "look pal, you've got a tin of peas there, must be hundreds of them!", "yeah well, you've got forty eight cans of fosters", "there twenty four packs, it's only two items".

I finish paying for my purchases, and nip to the fag counter, lady serving with a serious skin disorder all over her arms, wearing none the less, a short sleeve shirt! So i'm staring at it, thinking your putting me off my fags ere love. She's staring back, "twenty L & B please", her response "what you looking at?", well she's asking for it now. "Look love, there must be tens of thousands of people come through here everyday, you blatantly have a serious skin disorder, but yet you put it on display for all the world to see and wonder why people stare, do yourself a favour and wear long sleeves!". Well the bloke behind with his peas was in hysterics. After being served by another lady I made a quick sharp exit home to stove some wine in.

Thats about the most interesting thing that happened today, yes I know i'm an ass, but come on I do have some valid points.